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The Onion on Oncology Research

I’d say they have it pretty close to reality:

“. . .a new Mayo Clinic study with widespread implications for the treatment and potential cure of the disease has found that the malignant growths have begun cruelly mocking researchers. 

The findings—published this week in a rambling, expletive-laden 8,000-word article in The Journal Of The American Medical Association—provides the strongest evidence yet that abnormal cells targeted with cutting-edge cancer treatments are basically flipping off scientists left and right, and get a huge kick out of making oncologists feel like a bunch of bumbling dipshit chumps.

I feel that way about my reactions sometimes. And there were a few points during my PhD when I felt that the only explanation for the way things were going was the existence of a malignant force in the universe, one that for reasons beyond my comprehension was taking a personal interest in me.

12 comments on “The Onion on Oncology Research”

  1. Kaleberg says:

    The Germans call it die tucke des objekts, the spitefulness of things.

  2. Dogbertd says:

    I don’t recall who it was that said you should never underestimate the innate hostility of inanimate objects. But if inanimate objects can be hostile, imagine how nasty animate objects can be…

  3. scientistbymistake says:

    I almost always found the success of reactions and purifications to be inversely proportional to their importance.
    During my PhD I often wondered if I had incurred some kind of karmic debt that was accruing interest faster than I could pay it off!

  4. Red Fiona says:

    Quantitative assays are particularly spiteful in my experience.
    (I also fear the Onion are steering terrifyingly close to the truth.)

  5. Jon says:

    The world is getting so weird that The Onion can basically run a news story straight-up. Look at the article they ran when Schwarzenegger won in California. Or in 2008, when the headline was “Black Man Given Nation’s Worst Job”.

  6. geekosaur says:

    I suspect the universe has taken a personal interest in humanity in general, and oncology is just one of the points where the gestures are clearly visible.

  7. Tracy says:

    Too true; my joke in graduate school was that my lab god was Loki, the trickster. The other joke was that the only way to appease him was with the blood of undergraduates, although I never got to try it.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Any idea of the location of the original article by Dr. Sepkowitz? I’d kind of like the see the 8000 word expletive-laden article in print. I cannot find it on the JAMA website, SciFinder author search, or google.

  9. labrat says:

    I used to do crystallography. We joked about the phase of the moon. And visiting the crossroads to wait for a tall handsome man who cast no shadow. We also had a voodoo doll on the freezer for luck. And before a very successful synchrotron trip I, in a fit of madness, doused my idol to the Pachamama in lab ethanol.
    In my current lab, I find that my instrument responds best to verbal abuse. I am also thinking of hanging all the diode lasers that have died on me up on the lab wall as both trophies and a warning.

  10. Mike says:

    a buddy of mine had remarkable success in our network test lab when some new piece of kit misbehaved. he would role up the scope cart,
    pick up a probe, and wave it at the recalcitrant hardware in a most threatening manner and say,
    “Now you’ve whizzed me off good! This is a *scope probe* and I know how to use it!”
    Amazingly, most times the box would magically start cooperating.

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